Fish ‘n’ Chips with Bolognaise might taste good, but should you be able to order it in the first place?

4 out of 10 stars (4/10)

It would seem that everyone is in agreement; in Fabio Capello, England finally have the man to lead them to World Cup Glory. Since being appointed in December 2007, Capello has lost just one competitive fixture, guiding England through an almost flawless World Cup Qualifying campaign.

Capello demands the very highest levels of concentration and discipline from his players on the pitch, but as much as anything, it’s Capello’s off field changes that seem to have been the impetus for on field change.

From the beginning of his tenure Capello installed a discipline not before seen by a modern day England squad, banning the use of mobile phones around the team hotel and limiting the squad’s contact with wives and girlfriends while in camp. Capello in fact banned the entourages that inevitably follow his superstar squad members. Agents, friends and family members, sponsorship promoters and stylists are not tolerated under the new regime.

Capello’s utilitarian style has galvanized a team of great individual talent; something that managers before him failed to achieve.

Of course Capello’s England hasn’t achieved anything significant yet, but in the lead up to South Africa 2010, England are better placed than ever to lift their first World Cup in more than 33 years.

But will it really be theirs to celebrate? Should a national team be allowed to take guidance from a foreign manager?

It’s a debate that has never really been addressed. That may be because a manager working with a foreign team has never raised a World Cup.
A few have come close, Sven Goran Erikson and Filipe Scolari both guided foreign teams to Quarter Finals in 2006 and Guus Hiddink went even closer, leading South Korea into the final four of the 2002 World Cup.

The option of foreign management has of course long been accepted by both FIFA and UEFA, but the concept was traditionally reserved for developing football nations. England however can’t be labelled a developing football nation. Of the current top ten FIFA ranked teams, England at nine are the only nation under foreign control. In fact of the current top ten teams in the world, England and Portugal are the only nations to have ever resorted to foreign management.

England first broke with tradition in 2001 through the appointment of Swede Sven-Goran Eriksson. To be fair you can hardly blame them when you consider that former Bolton manager Sam Allardyce (who let’s be honest better represents the Neanderthal than modern man) was the only competition to Capello’s appointment. England’s home grown management stocks are in short supply. Of the 32 teams represented in the Champions League this season, not one is managed by an Englishman.

But is that any excuse? So England doesn’t have anyone capable of leading their national team… Portugal doesn’t have a number 9. France doesn’t have a captain. Brazil ’70 didn’t have a keeper. Hell New Zealand doesn’t have a hope!

What’s the point of representative sport if it’s not a representation of the competing nations?

Malneef Janeef
—
FIFA rankings (January 2010): Spain, Brazil, Netherlands, Italy, Portugal, Germany, France, Argentina, England, Croatia.

Bad movies are like the plague, except the non-lethal kind.

0 out of 10 stars (-50,000/10)

The world of cinema is truly an expansive and amazing environment, a creative whirlwind filled with striking talents, visual and aural pleasure and just plain down and dirty entertainment. The world of cinema is home to some of the most brilliant ideas and stories ever put to screen, after all who could forget classics such as:

- Terminator 1 & 2 (anyone who tries to tell me there’s a third movie is lying, THERE IS NO THIRD MOVIE*)
- Aliens
- Citizen Kane
- Heat
- The Dark Knight
- The Conversation
- The Green Mile

Of course the list goes on, but for the sake of this article those are some that quickly come to mind. These films, and films in the same league of quality, have the ability to make you experience feelings and emotions that should seem improbable considering you are only looking at a 2D screen with pretty pictures projected onto it. To make somebody actually stir up feelings towards something as intangible as a film is an incredible feat. This is what makes the world of cinema so great, the impact that it has on our everyday lives and the effect it has on us is paramount (little film studio reference for those of you playing at home) to the success and recognition it has garnered across the globe. It is easy to see why film is an absolute mega-giant in the business world.

Unfortunately, along with all large corporations and its subsidiaries, there are always going to be inferior products associated with it; which brings me to the point of this article.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you:

.

If you haven’t heard of these two dim-witted fucks before, consider yourself lucky. These two perpetual cockbags are single-handedly destroying the parody genre (or just Hollywood productions in general). If you are in the aforementioned group of lucky people who haven’t heard of them, you may recognise their following films:

- Date Movie
- Epic Movie
- Meet The Spartans
- Disaster Movie

I like to consider that there are three groups associated with these films; a) those who have not heard of them, b) those who have heard but not seen, and c) those who have seen and have immediately regretted ever being born into a world where these films exist. In the case of fairness, I suppose I should consider a fourth group, d) those who have seen and enjoyed. However, if you find yourself falling into category D, I highly recommend you dispose of yourself accordingly, or if you aren’t up to that, at least promise you will not breed with the human species; there are more than enough fuckwits in this world already, and you’re one of them.

Some of you may be reading this and thinking, hey come on, they can’t be that bad right? They’re just movies. If you are in that school of thought, you obviously have never seen any of the films mentioned above, or are in need of a full frontal lobotomy. Allow me to indulge you by posting the scores and ratings currently listed for each of the Friedberg/Seltzer films, according to IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes.

DATE MOVIE
IMDb: 2.6/10
RT: 6%

EPIC MOVIE
IMDb: 2.2/10
RT: 2%

MEET THE SPARTANS
IMDb: 2.4/10
RT: 2%

DISASTER MOVIE
IMDb: 1.6/10
RT: 2%

I wish I was making this up. If Hollywood was a sexually transmitted disease, then Friedberg/Seltzer would be AIDS; they are killing film, slowly and painfully.

To put the above scores into perspective, consider that even something as universally hated like Daredevil still scored 5.5/10 on IMDb and 44% on RT. Getting the picture now?

The worst thing about these guys is that they think they write these scripts containing jokes, however all of the ‘jokes’ aren’t actually jokes so much as they are just references. Every single one of their movies rely on referencing other films, and by doing so they think this constitutes a joke. Don’t believe me? Just watch the trailer for Disaster Movie:

I forced myself to watch that a second time just so I could note down how many references they make, which they try to pass off as ‘jokes’. In that single one and a half minute trailer, they reference the following: Iron Man, Hannah Montana, The Incredible Hulk, Enchanted, Hancock, Sex And The City, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan and Juno. What is most surprising about this is the fact that when Disaster Movie was released (29th August 2008 in the USA), the majority of those other films weren’t even out yet; they were referencing films that HADN’T EVEN BEEN RELEASED.

These guys are everything that is wrong with the film industry today. They create shitty films that have absolutely no substance and contain weak ‘jokes’, but somehow the American audiences lap it up and so they keep getting greenlit and extra funding to produce more shit. Date Movie was only released in 2006, so it is scary to think that within three years they have managed to release four equally terrible films; all of which made money**. It boggles the mind, it really and truly does. It shows that some studios do not give a shit about making quality films, and that all they care about is money. Studios these days hardly ever put in the time and effort to develop a truly awesome film, and instead churn out quick and cheap money grabbing films. I guess while I’m blaming the film studios I should also blame the American audiences, who continue to fund and make these films successes, can everyone please WAKE THE FUCK UP AND STOP GIVING MONEY TO THESE GREEDY ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAGS?!

If anyone has seen Idiocracy, there is a scene where the main character is transported five hundred years into America’s future, and showing at the local cinema is a film called Ass, which is literally an ass on screen for ninety minutes. I can’t help but feel this is the type of direction we’re actually heading. I hoped I would never see it in my life time, but I fear it all starts with these cock-smuggling wankers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

God help us.

*Yes I know there was actually a third Terminator movie but I choose not to acknowledge its existence due to its pure and utter shittiness.

**The following is the budget/worldwide gross comparisons for each film:

DATE MOVIE
$20,000,000 / $84,795,656

EPIC MOVIE
$20,000,000 / $86,865,564

MEET THE SPARTANS
$30,000,000 / $84,646,831

DISASTER MOVIE
$20,000,000 / $34,816,824

I know, I know, it makes me cry myself to sleep too.

Bad drivers are everywhere, much to my dismay.

0 out of 10 stars (-∞/10)

In this day and age, almost everybody drives a car. People from all age groups, ethnicities, beliefs and orientation. It is easy for one to assume that the average human has the ability to be sensible and intelligent when it comes to driving, however once you step out onto the road that assumption becomes painfully optimistic.

It never ceases to amaze me how many awful, AWFUL drivers there are on the road. The task of driving is a simple one; accelerate, brake, indicate, steer, AVOID HITTING OTHER SOLID OBJECTS TRAVELLING AT FATAL SPEEDS. Yet, the average driver cannot make a trip without doing something stupid. I think the main issue plaguing most people is the inability to be aware of their surroundings. Too often you will find someone who is going slow and looking for a street sign, not realising that they’re holding up five cars behind them in a single lane road. Or on a two lane road, the person in front will be driving slow but in the middle of both lanes, leaving you with no room to overtake them until you lay on the horn to make them wake the fuck up.

I am completely dumbfounded by the lack of attention people pay when they are driving. Statistically, it is one of the most dangerous activities you can undertake on a daily basis. In 2005, there were 1,627 deaths on the road in Australia alone (source). That figure is relatively good considering that Japan had 7,931 deaths that same year. Yes, Japan… *cough*
Let’s not even get started on America… oh okay, let’s do it, America had a whopping 43,443 deaths in 2005. Goddamn Americans are idiots, but then again they are a nation that time after time employed the world’s biggest idiot as President, and also make commercial successes of all the Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer films; which is worse? I don’t know, it’s too close to call, seeing as no sane logic or rational explanation can be placed on the successes of either of those colossal fuck ups.

Anyway, hey, what’s up? I’m back from my tangent. Why don’t people pay more attention when they’re driving? Everytime I drive, I cannot stand it when I see people doing things like:

- driving on a two lane road, a car in the right lane stops to turn right, and the car behind (who is still going straight), pulls up behind the car turning right, stops dead and waits, instead of just CHANGING INTO THE LEFT LANE AND AVOID GETTING HELD UP.

- people who cannot merge onto a freeway, so many people cannot get it through their thick skulls that you’re supposed to match the speed of the freeway, hence merging, it’s not called “driving-slow-onto-freeway-and-slowing-down-the-freeway-lanes-down to-60km’s”, every time there are cars in front of me on the on-ramp they never EVER hit 100km’s (the correct speed limit) before they merge onto the freeway, which fucks up the flow of the traffic.

- not paying attention to the traffic lights, not realising when there’s a specific left turn arrow or just not seeing the main lights turn green.

- people who travel 10-20km’s below the speed limit, particularly on single lane roads.

- last, but definitely not least:

PEOPLE WHO CANNOT PARK.

The above list encapsulates what I believe to be a bunch of relatively simple driving tasks, yet every single day people fuck them up beyond levels of comprehension. It is no wonder there are so many accidents and so many deaths on the road each year, because at any given time you have hundreds of thousands of people on the road who are not paying attention and a lot of whom have no idea how to complete basic driving tasks.

I’ll leave you with a quality video that helps to illustrate my point, I hope you get as much enjoyment from it as I did:

Note: Although the title specifically refers to women, I don’t intend it to be aimed at any gender, I know that drivers from any race or gender can be this awful. Enjoy!

The only thing he’s killing is his career.

3 out of 10 stars (3/10)

Every so often a film comes along that really does your head in, something that makes you question the very intricacies of life and how it manages to shit all over everything you hold dear. With a relatively impressive cast and crew, it’s hard to imagine how ‘The International’ wound up being such utter tripe. Directed by Tom Twyker (from Run Lola Run fame) and starring Clive Owen (what a bad seed) and Naomi Watts (hot ass MILF), this ‘thriller’ about a corrupt banking institution fails to give the story any purpose or provide the audience with any satisfaction.

Most reviews tend to give an overview of the film without giving too much away. However, in this instance I am going to spoil the film for you, so that you are spared the $10-15 and two hours of your life that this film would otherwise steal from you (and yes, I consider it a form of theft because it is so disgustingly bad that it just does not deserve your money or your time). If you don’t like this approach, then read no further, but understand that to effectively write an honest review about the shortcomings of this film I must explore the ridiculous nature of the plot and its direction, most of which is revealed in the second half.

There are many films which baffle your psyche as to how they ever got made, and furthermore why no one ever questioned the ferocious nature of its inept shittiness during the script writing and pre-production stages. To give you a better idea of why I’m outraged at this film, I will lay out for you the general idea and its subsequent ‘ending’, so that you may rejoice with me in celebration of anger and frustration.

‘The International’, In A Nutshell:

Clive Owen is a washed up Interpol agent who has been trying for years to take down the notorious IBBC (the International Bank of Business and Credit, for those layman’s amongst you) because they are in bed with organised crime and have just begun to broker weapon deals with various international companies/countries. Each time Clivey-boy gets close, anyone who knows anything is swiftly given their funeral marching orders and is assassinated or ‘disappeared’.

Finally Clive-dog finds a man involved who is in a position to turn against the company.
But, what’s that? Oh? The IBBC can’t be taken down? They’re in bed with every single government/financial/political institution making them untouchable, thus rendering the entire film pointless?

Yep.

So Clive-balls now realises he can’t take them down by any legal means, and the high ranking IBBC member he has caught suggests he goes outside of his beliefs and morals to try take them down.

So my main homie Clive-sack does what is suggested, goes beyond anything he thought he’d ever do and is about to kill the head of the IBBC, point-blank with a 9mm on the top of some sick rooftop in Turkey. The head informs him that “If you kill me, one hundred other bankers will be in line to take my place. Nothing will change.” Then Clive-box doesn’t even kill him, some random assassin does, and then takes Clive-snatch’s gun away from him.

Roll credits.

Yes, you read that correctly. The film builds suspense and anticipation for an hour about taking down this company, and Clive’s struggle to do so. Then it turns out it was all for nothing. He went outside his beliefs, he went the extra yards required, but NOTHING HE COULD EVER DO WILL HAVE ANY AFFECT ON ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. The IBBC lives on, and Clive is left holding his dick in his hand on top of some random rooftop in the middle of fucking Turkey. You may have noticed I didn’t mention hot ass MILF’s character at all, you know why? Because she literally does nothing the whole film, her character is useless… seriously.

Now let’s all stare in disbelief and try to imagine why this monstrosity went forward. No one who read this entire script (by the way, this film is the writer’s first feature length script, let’s hope to God it’s his last) could have possibly signed on, so I’m convinced that Clive/Naomi/Tom literally just read the first fifty pages and thought ‘hey this seems cool, let’s do it!’, and they could be totally forgiven for that, because the first half of the film is very good.

What I can’t come to grips with is why on earth this story was told, because the whole film is a complete run-around and waste of time. It presents you with an idea, then we find out that this idea cannot possibly be executed. I can just see the writer pitching to the studio:

Writer: “Get this right, it’s about this bad bank who like, is corrupt, and stuff, and the main character tries to take them down. He spends the whole script figuring out how to do it, then, wait… you ready for it? Here’s the kicker: HE CAN’T! ‘Cause they’re untouchable! LOLZ ROFLMAO. So he spends all this time just chasing his tail!!!!!!111one”

Studio Execs: “… THAT’S GENIUS!”

Seriously, Clive-mania could’ve just stayed at home and jerked off for two hours, and he would’ve accomplished more than his character did in this film. How did the team behind this think the idea was any good? It is widely known that when this film was first shown to preview audiences, the feedback was extremely negative. To counter this, it was decided they needed to re-shoot and re-cut some of the film, so they went out and shot a ridiculously irrelevant and implausible (within the context of the story) shoot-out scene that takes place inside the Guggenheim in New York. Their intent was to add more ‘action’ to the film and make it more of an action flick rather than a drama/thriller. You know when a film tries to change its genre towards the end of post-production that it has some SERIOUS problems, problems worse than buying premature ejaculation nose spray off late night television infomercials.

That sums up ‘The International’ perfectly, I would rather buy clinically proven premature ejaculation nose spray than see this movie, and I suggest you should too.

Mickey Rourke’s flawless performance as Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson in Darren Aronofsky’s masterpiece, ‘The Wrestler’.

8.5 out of 10 stars (8.5/10)

Darren Aronofsky presents an enthralling tale of an aging professional wrestler (Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson) battling with health, love, and just flat out survival in general. Robinson reached his professional wrestling peak a solid twenty years or so ago and now he finds himself working local shows just to scrape through with enough money to have a meal and (attempt to) pay rent. He indeed also starts feeling quite an emotional attachment, and lust, towards a seemingly uninterested exotic dancer by the name of Cassidy (played by the stunning Marisa Tomei). To add to all this Randy is estranged from his daughter and has found it near impossible to allow himself to be a part of her life in the past.

When he encounters a potential career ending injury ‘The Ram’ comes to the realisation that without wrestling he has nothing. One gets the feeling that if he hadn’t been so tunnel visioned towards that career in the past, then maybe he wouldn’t find himself so isolated in the present. The film endeavours to take the audience on a journey to explore whether or not Randy can balance out all the various aspects of his life and get it back together again. It’s obvious that Randy was born to be a wrestler. It is his life. The real tug of war develops when the perennial and lovable crowd-favourite finally has to decide if he can or can’t let go of the only thing he truly knows.

Mickey Rourke’s performance as Randy is nothing short of phenomenal. It is possibly the most convincing and emotionally rich portrayal in any film that I can remember. Rourke was born to play this role. It is arguable that there has never been an actor / role combination that fits as perfectly. The pain and raw emotion experienced by ‘The Ram’ is so evident with every incident he encounters throughout the film’s entirety and it is to Rourke’s credit that this tie that is formed with the character is so strong and genuine.

What I don’t understand though is how Rourke didn’t win the Oscar for Best Actor. Personally this makes no sense to me whatsoever. He stormed through all pre-Oscar awards ceremonies picking up both the Golden Globe and BAFTA for Best Actor. Take last year for example, Daniel Day Lewis won both of those awards, but that eventuated in an Oscar win. Rourke also would have taken home Best Actor at the Venice Film Festival if not for The Wrestler winning Best Film (Best Film and Best Actor can’t be awarded to the same film according to festival rules).

If you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing this film then it comes with the highest of recommendations whether you are a fan of professional wrestling or otherwise. It’s a gritty and raw interpretation of the self-battling existence of a man who once was adored by so many, yet now walks an increasingly thinning tightrope through life, trying to avoid falling out of existence and attempting to clutch on to any one of a number of the increasingly less prevalent straws slipping through his tired hands.

“I just want to say to you all tonight I’m very grateful to be here. A lot of people told me that I’d never wrestle again and that’s all I do. You know, if you live hard and play hard and you burn the candle at both ends, you pay the price for it. You know in this life you can lose everything you love, everything that loves you. Now I don’t hear as good as I used to and I forget stuff and I ain’t as pretty as I used to be but god damn it I’m still standing here and I’m The Ram. As times goes by, as times goes by, they say “he’s washed up”, “he’s finished” , “he’s a loser”, “he’s all through”. You know what? The only one that’s going to tell me when I’m through doing my thing is you people here.”
- Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson

Simply put, the best cookies in the world bar none.

9 out of 10 stars (9/10)

To those very few incorrect individuals out there, this may seem like an audacious statement to make. To the rest of us this it is just plain fact. Frankly, Subway just do the best cookies I’ve ever tasted (and yes, that means you too Mrs Fields). It’s hard to exactly define what makes these cookies so amazing. Firstly I guess the fact that they’re prepared daily on the premises (ensuring freshness) doesn’t hurt their case. Also their breathtaking textural juxtaposition of a crisply baked exterior combined with a softer that soft ‘melt in your mouth’ interior makes for an always exceptional experience.

Subway don’t have the greatest range of cookies, but it’s not like they need have any more varieties than the few they do. I am of the opinion that the old “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality applies here. I know there will be some who argue that, say, the Choc Chip, M&Ms or Double Choc Chip cookies are by far the most tantalising. Unfortunately I would have to disagree with you because in my opinion there is one blend that reigns ever so supremely atop of the list. That is of course the White Chocolate & Macadamia variety of baked goodness. These two ingredients compliment each other so perfectly, Torvill and Dean style, never ceasing to enthrall the consumer with their near magical ecstasy indulging powers.

Whichever flavour tickles you the most, it is hard to contend that a better cookie can be found elsewhere. That is impressive really as after all, Subway is primarily a sandwich company and not one dedicated with the pure goal of creating cookie perfection, which it would appear as though they have seemingly achieved.

Joaquin Phoenix playing Johnny Cash in ‘Walk The Line’

2 out of 10 stars (2/10)

Yes indeed it is true (well apparently anyway). Acclaimed actor and star of countless films, Mr Joaquin Phoenix, has allegedly quit the movie business, leaving the glitz and the glamour behind to occupationally transcend fields to become a legitimate hip-hop artist. What’s even stranger is J-Phoenixizzle’s subsequent strange reclusive behaviour. Recently appearing on Letterman (video below), ‘Joaquin Doggy Dogg’ appeared without any traces of his former jovial character which can be seen in past interviews on that very same show. Is this an effect of ‘Global Warming’? Probably not, and frankly that would be a stupid conclusion to jump to. But in all fairness there are few logical reasons to explain this rather surprising event.

“Joaquin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight,” - David Letterman to Joaquin Phoenix

Maybe J.W.A. (Joaquin With Attitude) is just realising his full musical potential, not even that, his full potential as a human being, and just maybe this is what he was put on this earth to do, to bring hip-hop to the people, bring heat to the street, fill stadiums all over the globe with the most die hard and dedicated fans in the music world slowly chanting “word up J-Pheezy, drop that fire”. Or maybe not, even the smallest skerrick of that idea makes me laugh. Let’s be honest, any statement that tries to give 50 ‘Quin (get it? 50 Cent x Joaquin? 50 ‘Quin? ahh whatever) any sense of credibility as a viable rapper is just ludicrous dribble. On a side note you’d think after typing something with such stupidity, not unlike the line three sentences back, I would just delete such a mindless scribbling given the editorial powers of modern blogging (as opposed to ancient blogging where editing was near impossible) but no, we’re going uncensored here, just like the big homie Joaqeezy! OK, I’ll try and stop with these lame raptised Joaquin Phoenix nicknames. I can’t promise anything thought as it’s just too irresistible to poke fun at the very confused / deluded man.

There are many murmurs being echoed proclaiming that the Notorious J.O.A.Q.U.I.N.’s (sorry, didn’t even last one sentence there!) entry to the rap world is just a big hoax. I don’t know if I will be jumping on this train of thought and riding it to the end of the line, possibly falling asleep, missing my station in the process. I can’t see any possible benefit of such a stunt being pulled. To add to this, the man’s current “yes, my mother did mate with Chewbacca to conceive me” appearance (no disrespect to Chewie though, cool guy / overgrown alien dog? / whatever) is just plain odd. He could just be trying to model himself on the fashions of Damir ‘raging nutcase father of professional women’s tennis player, Jelena’ Dokic although this theory holds little weight as whilst Damir was a goose merchant, he did have an abundance of personality of which the new J-Phoenix appears to have none (Mr Dokic also to my knowledge has never pursued a rap career, and if I am mistaken and he in fact has, I think it would probably be on par with Joaquin’s).

The new look Joaquin Phoenix and Damir Dokic in no particular order

Anyway, this whole thing has me completely stumped. After this bizarre career change I feel as if what was a beautiful coherent world now makes as much sense as trying to shelve one’s own head (I must apologise to those carpentry fans reading this, it’s not that sort of shelving that I refer to). As no official tracks, mixtapes or general lyrical wizardry have leaked from this rising (and by that I mean definitely falling faster than Bill Clinton’s favourite pair of White House pants circa 1996) superstar I will leave you with footage from his first public performance as a Joaquin Phoenix: The Rapper. You be the judge (although if you judge positively towards him then I suggest you get some psychological help at your earliest convenience).

“This is not a joke. Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that’s possible, but that’s certainly not my intention.” - Joaquin Phoenix

P.S. Keep an eye out for the Casey Affleck directed documentary about Phoenix’s transition from acting to rap, no release date has been announced as yet.

Customers: human, or a government form of psychological warfare?

0 out of 10 stars (-5/10)

There are a lot of people in the world. Some people grow up to be astronauts, some doctors, some ditch diggers, others amateur gay porn stars. Whilst all professions require varying degrees of ability, knowledge and talent (gay porn excluded), it seems no matter how smart or dumb a person may end up being, a great majority still have their streaks of complete idiocy and retardation. It’s as if that little voice inside their head (the one that lets most people know when they’ve crossed the line of common sense and into the dreaded area of complete spastic-induced brain failure) prefers to take a holiday to the Bahamas instead of chilling with this total imbecile. This would be fine, except when you’re on the receiving end of said stupidity in any kind of retail or customer service field, it tends to get on your nerves and make you want to slaughter everyone in the store with the nearest pair of scissors.

Working at a video store is an easy job. However, many people who have never worked retail/customer service underestimate how much of a drain on your life and soul it can be when it comes to dealing with customers for the entire shift. Ninety percent of the time when a customer comes up and asks me if we have a movie in store, I will tell them exactly what aisle, section and letter it’ll be under, and whether it is on DVD or VHS:

Customer: “Hi, do you have The Green Mile?”
Me: “Yes, the DVD will be on the left hand side of the store in ‘Staff Choice’ under ‘G’.”

The customer walks off to search. At this point, you can pretty much bet your pension/car/amateur gay porn collection/any other item of significant value on the fact that they’ll come back within five minutes. Oh, what’s that? Looks like I was right again:

Customer: “Ahh, yeah it’s not there.”
Me: “Did you look under ‘G’ in ‘Staff Choice’?”
Customer: “Yes, I know where you told me to look, how dumb do you think I am?”
Me (inner monologue): “Extremely.”

So, this time you walk off with the customer and go to the exact aisle, the exact section and the exact letter you told them only a few minutes ago, and guess what you find? That’s right, The Green Mile on DVD staring you right in the face, precisely where you said it would be. I always try to make sure I have a slightly condescending attitude at this point, because there’s nothing better than making someone realise how goddamn stupid they were a second ago when they were trying to tell you what was what.

Speaking of people telling you what’s what, I always find it immensely entertaining when a customer tries to tell you the rules to your own freakin’ store, like they know it better than you. Sorry, do you work here? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP. Whilst most cases can be attributed to customers just being rude, obnoxious or just displaying a total lack of decency by trying to tell you how to do your job, there are times when customers can actually give you too much credit. At least twice every shift a wandering hopeless customer will come up to me while I’m putting rentals back on the shelf, and enquire:

Customer: “Hi, do you have White Chicks in store and where would it be?”
Me: “Uhhh… you’re going to have to ask at the desk, they can tell you.”

It may surprise most customers to hear this, but we DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE THE ENTIRE REAL-TIME CATALOGUE OF OUR STORE IMPREGNATED IN OUR BRAINS. People really need to work on developing that little voice in their head that I spoke of earlier, because so many fucking idiots just do NOT think before they open their mouths. There is one phrase that completely dominates the market, which of course you should all know:

“The customer is always right.”

I really think this needs to be amended to reflect a certain level of competency in regards to said customer. It should be more like:

“The customer is always right, unless they’re a fucking idiot.”

I hate people.

Reflecting on a marvellous summer of cricket

8 out of 10 stars (8/10)

Ricky Ponting and his boys have packed their bags and left the country, so it is official …summer is over (well not really thanks to climate change which means our summer is hotter and longer than ever) because the cricket season is over. So yours truly, the one and the only Bhangra Knight Rider (BKR from this point forward for simplicity sake) has decided to reflect on a fantastic summer of cricket, release his team of the summer and top 5 highlights. (Disclaimer: This piece will not contain discussion about the Alan Border medal and Mitchell Johnson’s girlfriend’s dress, because both were an absolute joke. The dress was awful and tasteless. It was his night, not her’s. Put some clothes on moron).

Now unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 12 years (meaning it would effectively have to be Ayers Rock) you’d be well aware that Australia has dominated the world cricketing landscape. Taking all before them, the won almost every trophy at least once (bar the Twenty20 world cup, which isn’t really cricket but rather a bunch of athletic blokes playing in their pyjamas for 3 hours with Ian Healy blowing his load every 4 minutes in the commentary box) and have represented the benchmark in professionalism, application and class for other test playing nations. However beginning in their disastrous tour of India where an Australian team in transition were effectively bashed around by and Indian team on the rise under the captaincy of the shrewd, calculating yet charming Mahendra Singh Dhoni, Australia has begun to look decidedly wobbly such that their claim to be the number one side is being seriously challenged.

What made this such a fantastic summer was that whilst ordinarily a struggling Australian side would still belt the living daylights out of their oppositions (merely taking 4 days and not 3 to win), they came up against a South African side who were taking all before them. Having won every contest in the last 12 months bar a drawn series in India, South Africa arrived on top of their game and finally ready to defeat the Australians as well as the mental demons plaguing the likes of Smith, Kallis, Boucher and Ntini who have suffered brutally in the past to Hayden and co. It should be noted that technically the summer included a brief two test match series against New Zealand as well. However the fact that a pathetically under performing Australian side absolutely creamed them speaks volumes about the lack of significant talent available to NZ cricket, and raises further questions about money in cricket (i.e. ICL taking Shane Bond away from national duty) and where the game is headed.

What ensued however was a phenomenal contest between bat and ball. South Africa did the impossible in the first test and won by 6 wickets when chasing 400, and just when it looked liked the Aussies would hit back in Melbourne they found another gear and simply outclassed them. Despite being a dead rubber the Sydney test will go down in memory as one of the all time classics. Seeing Graeme Smith walk out to bat with one broken hand and one severely injured elbow was awe inspiring. The good people (I use that term lightly being a proud Victoria) of Sydney have been lucky enough to see two cracking games in a row that have gone down to the penultimate over on day 5.

So without further delay here is the BKR team of the summer:

1. Graeme Smith (c) – phenomenal batting and captaining performance from a man who has matured from the 22 y.o. dick that was anointed captain of his country into one of the most respected men in the game

2. Simon Katich – he may look like a crab, and that too the hairiest crab ever has ever waddled the earth, but his batting was extremely effective and was in many cases the glue that held the top order somewhat together

3. Ricky Ponting – undoubtedly the toughest choice between Ponting and Amla with Amla shading him in the averages column (51.8) but Ponting scoring more runs (285). In the end Ponting gets it because of the ton he scored whereas Amla didn’t crack 3 figures. Amla’s beard made this choice even tougher. An extra inch and he may have got the job done (that’s what she said – I apologise, I really do)

4. Jacques Kallis – Easy choice. Mr Cricket was putrid this summer so Kallis gets it by default. Didn’t do a hell of a lot though

5. A.B. De Villiers – another controversial one, but he did score a match winning knock in a live game and took several absolute blinders.

6. J.P. Duminy – I have a new hero and his name is Duminy. Out and out gun. I want to be him. Watch out ladies, this man is a killer.

7. Brad Haddin – came back strongly after an awful tour of India. Boucher was also severely disappointing

8. Daniel Vettori – Both Harris and Kreza/Hauritz were poo. Vettori gets the spot for being the best left arm spinner in the world. One must remember that NZ were involved in the summer, it is just that their involvement was more embarrassing than anything else

9. Mitchell Johnson – perhaps the dawn of a new era but ably lead a relatively inept pace attack with some superb spells. Became his captain’s go to man and also scored 146 runs at 36.5. He will be integral to Australia rebounding in the future

10. Dale Steyn – 18 wickets. Legend. Best bowler in the world

11. Peter Siddle – impressive performance from the new boy (We love Siddle coz he’s Victorian….). Raw and aggressive, he stands to benefit from the transition phase that Australia is entering into.

Apologies: H. Amla, M.Clarke, M. Morkel

Top 5 Highlights of the summer:

1. Mitchell Johnson pulls his finger out at the WACA – Australia were looking in serious strife when Johnson decided to rip through the South African first innings. Fast, aggressive and deadly, MJ made the world stand up and take notice. Time to shine MJ.

2. A.B De Villiers going “NaNa’s” in Perth – not only did he take a simply amazing catch he was instrumental in chasing down the second biggest total in test match history. Proved he was not just all natural talent (which he has in spades and I hate him for it, no seriously the man is luckiest bloke alive, be kind and share you asshole) but also has the mental fortitude needed.

3. J.P. Duminy announces himself to the world – Over a beer at a bar recently a learned colleague of mine remarked that it would be incredibly easy to pick up a girl if you walked up to her and said “My name is J.P. Duminy” in a South African accent. That would be even easier if you were as good as this man. He is arguably the most naturally talented player in the world. Could well be anything.

4. Ricky Ponting almost single handedly beating South Africa – His two knocks of 101 and 99 in Melbourne were as good as you’d see. Had some of his other teammates had his application **cough Andrew Symonds cough** the result and the series result might have been very different.

5. The SCG does it again – the last hour in Sydney had it all. It was gripping. You could not move. Even if you had to use the bathroom you didn’t move and if you did you made sure that you missed nothing more than a stupid Andrew Symonds ad where he chases the guy down the street in a Tutu. Smith was heroic but couldn’t prevent MJ from landing one on a crack you could drive a bus through and his off stump was pegged back. It may have been a dead rubber, but try telling the players that.

Honourable mentions go to J.P. Duminy for his amazing catch (apologies for awful quality) and Adam Voges for his equally amazing piece of work in the outfield .

All in all a fantastic summer and the fireworks promise to continue in South Africa and then in England later in the year for the Ashes. The Australians will want to lift their game if they want to be the number one team in the world this time next year. However at this rate they may just struggle to do so.

The Big Shaqtus’ dance routine with the Jabberwockeez before the 2009 NBA All-Star Game

7.5 out of 10 stars (7.5/10)

Standing at a lazy 7″1′ (2.16m) and weighing in at 325 lb (147.4 kg), powerhouse center Shaquille O’Neal on paper doesn’t appear to have the physical attributes normally associated with a dancer. Hence, Big Diesel did surprise quite a few people (including myself) with his sensational introduction before the recent 2009 NBA All-Star Game.

Mr O’Neal has always been somewhat of an entertainer since he burst on to the scene over 15 years ago. He has starred in movies, released multiple rap albums (even going platinum!) and has made numerous TV appearances whilst always being know for his laid back and comedic attitude (except on the court of course).

Shaqovic a.k.a. The Big Aristotle (or by any other of his numerous self-created nicknames) always provides some sort of entertainment at the All-Star weekend and this year was no exception. While every other participant taking part in the All-Star Game was introduced as per standard procedure, Shaq had a different idea. Prior to the player introductions there had been a short dance routine performed by the masked-up, America’s Best Dance Crew’s Season 1 winners, Jabbawockeez. They rejoined Shaq for what was a memorable All-Star Game introduction. Quite frankly Shaq’s performance here is quite amazing given his physical stature. The quintessential entertainer never fails to deliver in providing a laugh, and he’s not too shabby with a basketball either.